Minions Help Smuggle Cocaine, Continue To Destroy America

Last month, 24-year-old New York man Albert Fortosa was arrested after inspectors for the U.S. Postal Service got their hands on five packages filled with cocaine valued at $225,000, all headed to the suspect, Gothamist reported. At least one of the packages, made to look filled with birthday gifts, included a stuffed toy of the piss-yellow horror.

Always wear gloves when handling Minions.

Minions smuggling cocaine to the masses should come as no surprise. After all, these are the creatures who have spawned hundreds (thousands? millions?) of cringe-inducing memes. They’ll also curse at your children!


Minions, best known for turning Twinkies — America’s last bastion of greatness — into a depressing marketing ploy, won’t stop until all Americans are speaking whatever stupid language they speak (you can’t make me look it up).

If you think this is just America’s problem, you’re wrong. Earlier this month, a giant inflatable Minion terrorized the streets of Ireland, careening into traffic with a sadistic smile on its face. Authorities managed to kill the beast, but not before the Minion caused some serious traffic delays.